Stayin' alive

I am in class. I am tired. I haven't slept in 25 hours. We're discussing mind-numbing legal cases. I'm fading in and out of consciousness. This is an attempt to stay awake and not drool on my desk. Vice President is down there in the front row. Mondale. That one. How does a lowly man boast in his exaltation? Whqt does it mean to be under grace, rather thqn under the law? Would you be bothered if you knew the government was tqpping your phone? I should go for a run. I set up my little Christmas tree on Thanksgiving. ..pulling out all the stops for Christmas this year, I guess. It was reqlly warm yesterday. Thelma insisted we go for a ride. I need to do more social experiments. Hard to do without my co-researcher, Nick. I miss Nick. I hope to see him ssjfofoalsfa Woah.. I wonder if the dark night of the soul is legitimate, or just a mystics met idea.. The St. John of the Cross version, anyway. Love. Love is commitment, action, and costly. I have a cut on my left index finger, making it difficult to play certain chords on the guitar. Praise the Lord I'm beginning to get the hang of bar chords. There's mud on my linoleum that I need to clean up when I get home. I like tea. I think i prefer tea over hot chocolate because it's healthier and it's easier to clean up. Saturday night was so much fun. I haven't gone bowling in a while. I need to do my bus ride sometime. I want to meet some homeless guys. I miss Mel Trotter mission. And the camp. Other than people, what do i miss most about Michigan? ... Bible college..reed's lake..oh..the airport overlook.. The j.w. Marriott top floor..having a master key to my college..but I'm so glad im here. Mondale just dropped his lapel mike. That was loud. These folks know so much about politics. How does one not accidentally shoot someone? Practice gun safety and don't aim guns at people. Ever. EVER. Roger Youderian. I like that name. I'm struggling... It really grinds my gears when people start packing up before class is over. It really, truly irritates me. I'm usually pretty passive. But now the rustle is beginning, and my blood pressure is rising. I like my tie. I wore it in Sarah's wedding. I have survived the class period. I have a heated blanket.

Not my thoughts. That's why they're good.

"Satan himself cannot stop us, not sign our death certificate, without the permission of Almighty God."

We'll appreciate your continued intercession. Pray with us that God will, out of the debris of this battle, challenge the hearts of many who still don't know the blessing of all-out abandonment to the Lord Jesus Christ and to the job He wants us to do in simple obedience. The world is dying for want of a Savior-yet so many who profess to love Him are still living 'business as usual' lives, cheating themselves of the 'high calling of God in Christ Jesus.'"

"God only know how often I've had occasion to hate my old cocky nature. I hate it... but I'm grateful that when sanctified it can be a somewhat useful sort of nature."

"God has been so good to us-even counting us able to suffer a little. It's been tough in spots but He has always supplied the needed grace, hasn't He?"

"We know that there is only one answer when our country demands that we share in the price of freedom-yet when the Lord Jesus asks us to pay the price for world evangelization, we often answer without a word. We cannot go. We say it costs too much."

Missionaries constantly face expendability. And people who do not know the Lord ask why in the world we waste our lives as missionaries. They forget that they too are expending their lives. They forget that when their lives are spent and the bubble has burst they will have nothing of eternal significance to show for the years they have wasted."

"Those who know the joy of leading a stranger to Christ... gladly count themselves expendable. And they count it all joy."

-All quotes were written by Nate Saint in the months after surviving a bad plane crash.

Heated Blanket

My parents decided to surprise me by sending me a heated blanket. I was initially excited, but as I set the blanket up, I realized something. I am no longer a young single man.
I am an 80 year old man.
I go for long walks several times a day, often staring at simple things and smiling, especially little children and dogs.
Everyone around me is much younger than I am.
I talk to inanimate objects. Like scooters.
I sit in my recliner with a cup of tea and listen to classical music while reading a good book.
I cut coupons and wander around the grocery store in a daze, totally lost.
I stare the multitude of options of yogurt and frozen pizza, but I never buy any.
I always check my receipt to see how much savings I had. If I had young grandkids, that's the sort of thing I'd write a letter about.
I stand in my kitchen and debate what I should make for dinner, before usually settling on something very, very simple.
I eat my meal, wash and dry my dishes, and do some further thinking and reminiscing.
If I'm very ambitious, I walk down my hall to check my mail, thereby constituting a productive day. It's usually empty.
I observe the weather regularly, checking the forecast at least 4 times a day.You can bet I'll be relaying it to my grandkids.
I have a hat with ribbons on it that proclaims that I'm a war veteran. Only 80 year old men have those hats.
I sit next to a 93 year old lady in church. We're practically the same age.
Soon, I'll own the clock that projects onto the ceiling so I can know when I woke up in the night. Which, of course, would be more great material to write to the grandkids.
I like to put jigsaw puzzles together.
On an average day I have more conversations with squirrels than I do with human beings. Sometimes the conversations become heated.
80 year old ladies (peers) at Ihop flirt with me.

I'm going to go to bed, but not before going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, making it to my bed, and then going back to go to the bathroom again just to be safe.

I have a heated blanket.

I love life.

Romans 14:22-23

"The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."

Honor. Courage. Commitment. Always Faithful.

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God." Philippians 1:27-28

This text has had me thinking about an oft-debated topic in my thoughts.

As I stated early on in this blog experiment of mine, I'm not seeking to make this an opinion blog. These are my thoughts. They are not complete or inerrant. They are not absolute truth, even in my heart. Iron sharpens iron. I think It's important to discuss and talk through issues with like-minded people. So these are my thoughts. Let the reader beware.

The section of the passage that has me thinking about fear and courage and whatnot is "not frightened in anything by your opponents." Based on my past experiences, words like 'opponents' and 'destruction' may conjure up some different ideas and images than others. Or perhaps not. Wars and violence do seem to have permeated culture, affecting more than just those who are personally involved.
Anyway, what are the usual lauds and praises that military personnel receive? "You're one of the brave ones." "You're so courageous."

If my thought had a thesis, it would be this: Wars are incepted (is that even a word?), birthed, and driven by fear. If we're speaking about not being frightened, we won't often find it in violent conflicts. How fearless is it to walk everywhere with an automatic weapon? That's more paranoia than a lack of fear.

A few examples to illustrate this point.. Let's say you and I are hanging out, and you are beginning to realize how irritating I am, and you suddenly feel compelled to punch me in the face. So you rear back and deliver a sweeping haymaker punch to my jaw. I can react two ways. With fear, or without. A fear-driven reaction would be to pick myself up off the floor, and dive after you. The punching and grappling would carry on, accomplishing nothing but placing intense animosity between us. A fearless reaction would be to pick myself up off the floor and smile warmly, with a desire to resolve our differences. You would perhaps punch me once more out of frustration, but very soon, my non-violent reaction would be, "A clear sign to them (you) of their destruction."

Along those same lines, Romans 12:19-21reads, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Violence seems to feed on fear. Without the presence of fear, violence runs out of fuel.

The greatest real-life example I know of is the story of the four missionaries in Ecuador in... sometime in the 50's. I'm just speaking from memory here, so it'll be a loose summarization. "Shadow of the Almighty", "Through Gates of Splendor", "Jungle Pilot", and the film, "End of the Spear" are all good resources for this story. They're also dangerously life-altering. Be careful. Jim Elliot has become the most well-known of these missionaries, but all had a blazing passion for spreading the gospel. They had just made contact with a violent, unreached tribe called the Aucas. They were extending a hand of friendship and goodwill, trying to earn the Indians trust and also earn an opportunity to begin a ministry in their community. Bypassing all of the incidents that led to it, these four missionaries were killed by this Indian tribe on one of their first interactions with them. The key point of this story for my purpose, though, is their fearlessness. To my understanding, the missionaries had weapons with them. They were fired in the air when the attack was imminent, with hopes of scaring them with the noise, but they were never leveled on the Indians. They were fearless. Their lives' were not their own. They sought not a long life, but a full one. (oh.. check that out.. somebody should make a blog..) And in an act of even greater courage and fearlessness, the widows and families of these missionaries continued to pursue a ministry to the Aucas. What success in ministry would have been seen if the missionaries killed the Aucas who attacked them? I don't have an answer, but I can assume it wouldn't have been very well received by the Indians. Instead, the widows of these missionaries had a staggering ministry, and many of the indians in that community came to know Christ. Including the Indians who killed the missionaries. And what was agonizing to them, what led to the "defeat" of Satan's power in their lives, was the fearlessness displayed by the four missionaries. I won't get into any more details without the primary sources in front of me, but I think you should understand my point. Read those books. I'll mail you a copy if you give me your address.

Now, in applying this verse to modern wars, things get messy. I think a lot of people would agree with me that, in a missions ministry, using fear and violence is a very, very bad idea. It's obviously a poor way of showing Christ's love and sacrifice to the unreached. But what about governments and wars? Does the same approach have any standing in those circumstances? My answer: I am not sure. From a Christian perspective, should the approaches toward violence be any different? Abraham Kuyper is quoted as saying, "There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: 'Mine.'" I'm not sure that we should compartmentalize our different parts of life and society. Which would mean, in my mind, that our fearless love for Christ and for the unsaved should permeate every aspect of our life. Including wars, if you're in the military.

On the other hand, governments are instituted by God and given the authority to combat evil in Romans 13:3-4. "For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer." HOWEVER, Psalm 2:1-3 reads "Why do the nations conspire and the people’s plot in vain? The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against his Anointed One. ‘Let us break their chains’, they say, ‘and throw off their fetters.’”

Hmmmmmm.... Any thoughts?

Some brief politics.. Just war theory. Begun back in the days of Cicero, and polished by Augustine and Aquinas, (smart people who lived a long time ago, and a thousand years apart) this has generally been viewed as a way of, well.. keeping war 'just'. Many Christians subscribe to this theory. I'm not sure if the United States ever made this a policy, but they most assuredly do not abide by this theory anymore. (there are 7 clauses in the theory that justify war. Google can tell you what they are.) There is much to say about the current wars, but I don't feel like unpacking that here.

Perhaps there is a time for both.. "A time to love, and a time to hate. A time for war, and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:8

Some wars really make me squirm in my seat, wondering how we justified it and what we were accomplishing. But other wars make me wonder why we didn't act sooner? Although my personal leanings are tilting heavily toward pacifism, I cannot deny all war. Because the Bible does not. Doesn't it seem, though, that our world today fails to look at any alternatives to violent conflict? I don't believe war should be a first option, but a last resort, when all other options have been exhausted.

So, can I bring this back around to my original thought, or have my weeks of scattered thoughts gone too far off track? ...Today is Veteran's Day. Veteran's are courageous. Simple men do superfluous things when faced with violent adversity. But I hope that I would rather give my life trying to save a life, rather than trying to take a life. There may be a difference between my definitions of fearlessness and courage.

There are many, many more thoughts bouncing in my head about this whole issue. I need to do something with them, but this is not the time. I wish this was more polished, but hopefully it stirs some thought.I do draw my thoughts from resources, and if you ever want some good articles or books to read about this, just ask. I also enjoy meaningful conversations.

That is all.

Cellphone Insurance Claim Report

I sent this to Verizon. I will not deny that I needed the assistance of the thesaurus for several of the words. Namely, "superannuated" and "succor".

"My phone is superannuated. The upward directional button has been growing less and less responsive. Last night at work the phone was exposed to copious amounts of perspiration in my pocket, and the downward directional button is now thoroughly non-responsive. It is a vexing quandary of which I am in need of your succor in order to vanquish. I am much obliged."

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night

Since February, I have worn sunglasses a great deal. From the months of February to August, I'm not sure if there was a time I was outdoors when I didn't have sunglasses on. I define that as 'a great deal'. (on March 8, I briefly did not wear sunglasses because I dropped them in a parking lot and had to retrieve them.) I suppose it's not completely abnormal behavior to wear sunglasses, except for the fact that I noticed it. I also noticed that if I went indoors, I had regular glasses to put on. Iumnjmjjt (that is the result of me trying to get a piece of lint off of my ipad screen. I'll leave it so you can follow the trail that the lint led me on.) I would also leave my sunglasses on as long as was reasonably possible. Basically, once the door I walked through to enter the building was out of sight, I would switch over. And this is why I wore sunglasses so much.. well I think there were a couple reasons.

First, I wanted to hide myself. Eyes are amazing. They're a window to someone's heart, whether it's a heart of stone or a heart of flesh. I didn't want people to see my eyes. I'd even wear clear lenses, just to have some sort of buffer between my eyes and the world. I wanted to protect my shamming heart. I didn't want people to see my distrusting, angry, heart of stone. Although I've become a great actor, I knew my eyes would be my undoing in maintaining a strong facade.

Second, I wanted to defend myself. I realize the power and beauty of face-to-face conversation. I also realize that it's very telling, and that there is very little you hide with your words, body language, and eyes all speaking to the other person. I wanted to at least hide my eyes. I didn't want to get too close to anyone. At all. I also seldom made eye contact with people when I spoke with them. That's a lingering byproduct of my natural shyness, but it definitely climbed in this period.

Conclusion: God is good. This weekend I found myself intentionally taking my sunglasses off, so that I could be better read and understood when I spoke with people. That makes me smile. (smiling is a whole 'nuther issue) It was visible evidence for me of the heart-transformation God has begun performing on me, much to my delight, which then transfers into his delight!! I still wear prescription sunglasses and glasses because I need to see, and I have to wear them when I'm with Thelma, but if I don't need to have them on, they're generally not on. I also stopped wearing my ipod when I workout because I wanted to be open to conversation in the gym, and not shut myself out. Another small change..

I'm thrilled to see tangible changes in my life. Changes that have begun in my heart and are working out through my actions. God is very, very powerful. I wish there were more descriptive words for power. Omnipotent doesn't cut it for describing how radically he's changing my life.

Endnote.. In keeping with the tradition for creating this blog, I have a pulse. The other day, in my 35th hour without sleep and my 12th hour without food, I ran the fastest 5k I've run since I was 19. It's good to know I can do that, I guess.. God is very, very powerful.
"So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:26-27

"I don't want to be a great writer but I long to express myself-just as I've often longed to be able to sit down at a big pipe organ and express myself." "I want to share the stories that are unfolding all around us. Mine would only be attempts, to be sure, but these attempts plus helpful criticism from others may allow me eventually to be able to tell stories with the flavor that can come only from an eyewitness." -Nate Saint

It astounds me that sometimes other people can articulate my thoughts better than I myself am able to. Thank you, Mr. Saint.