Since February, I have worn sunglasses a great deal. From the months of February to August, I'm not sure if there was a time I was outdoors when I didn't have sunglasses on. I define that as 'a great deal'. (on March 8, I briefly did not wear sunglasses because I dropped them in a parking lot and had to retrieve them.) I suppose it's not completely abnormal behavior to wear sunglasses, except for the fact that I noticed it. I also noticed that if I went indoors, I had regular glasses to put on. Iumnjmjjt (that is the result of me trying to get a piece of lint off of my ipad screen. I'll leave it so you can follow the trail that the lint led me on.) I would also leave my sunglasses on as long as was reasonably possible. Basically, once the door I walked through to enter the building was out of sight, I would switch over. And this is why I wore sunglasses so much.. well I think there were a couple reasons.
First, I wanted to hide myself. Eyes are amazing. They're a window to someone's heart, whether it's a heart of stone or a heart of flesh. I didn't want people to see my eyes. I'd even wear clear lenses, just to have some sort of buffer between my eyes and the world. I wanted to protect my shamming heart. I didn't want people to see my distrusting, angry, heart of stone. Although I've become a great actor, I knew my eyes would be my undoing in maintaining a strong facade.
Second, I wanted to defend myself. I realize the power and beauty of face-to-face conversation. I also realize that it's very telling, and that there is very little you hide with your words, body language, and eyes all speaking to the other person. I wanted to at least hide my eyes. I didn't want to get too close to anyone. At all. I also seldom made eye contact with people when I spoke with them. That's a lingering byproduct of my natural shyness, but it definitely climbed in this period.
Conclusion: God is good. This weekend I found myself intentionally taking my sunglasses off, so that I could be better read and understood when I spoke with people. That makes me smile. (smiling is a whole 'nuther issue) It was visible evidence for me of the heart-transformation God has begun performing on me, much to my delight, which then transfers into his delight!! I still wear prescription sunglasses and glasses because I need to see, and I have to wear them when I'm with Thelma, but if I don't need to have them on, they're generally not on. I also stopped wearing my ipod when I workout because I wanted to be open to conversation in the gym, and not shut myself out. Another small change..
I'm thrilled to see tangible changes in my life. Changes that have begun in my heart and are working out through my actions. God is very, very powerful. I wish there were more descriptive words for power. Omnipotent doesn't cut it for describing how radically he's changing my life.
Endnote.. In keeping with the tradition for creating this blog, I have a pulse. The other day, in my 35th hour without sleep and my 12th hour without food, I ran the fastest 5k I've run since I was 19. It's good to know I can do that, I guess.. God is very, very powerful.
"So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:26-27
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